My daughter is growing up… this may not be a flash of reality for you, but tonight it is for me.
She comprehends complex thoughts… and for the first time, I don’t know all the answers to her questions.
She is able to articulate her deep feelings when she is upset or worried. When I see her choosing to develop that skill, I just go, “wow…”.
She is so quick to want to please me, that it breaks my heart sometimes. I don’t know how to get her to understand that I love her just because she is my daughter, not because she does something “the right way”.
“Mommy”, she asked me, with her precious face tilted upward, “Why do you want everything to be perfect?” Her question shot like a dagger into my heart, because all my life, that’s what I try to be.
Perfect.
The perfect outfit, the perfect wife, the perfect friend, the perfect youth leader, finding the perfect decoration for my house and placing it “just so”, God help me, the list goes on and on… I knelt down and held her face between my hands and told her that I don’t want her to be perfect…
I want my daughter to be real. To feel deep emotion, but not to be held captive to emotion. To be level-headed, but also live with abandon. To care more about what her Heavenly Father says, than what others say.
I want to extract a promise from God that she will never feel pain, and yet, before the words can cross my lips, I know, she will experience pain… and that –
breaks
my
heart.
And then my Heavenly Father reminds me of His promise that He will never leave her… And that He loves her more than Brent and I do… Although, honestly, my human heart finds that hard to comprehend.
I love when she looks at me with her wide grin and sparkling eyes! I love that she is a princess… a twirling tornado of pink. If you’ve ever seen her room, you know what I mean by tornado. “But Mom”, she told me tonight, “You taught me how to be messy”.
ouch.
I see her begin to have moments of quiet introspection. When I look in my rear view mirror and see her face turned toward the window, I wonder what she is thinking about. Sometimes I ask, and sometimes, I just watch…
She has such a sensitive heart toward other people. As her mommy, I understand that when you have the capacity to love and care deeply, you also have the capacity for people to hurt your heart deeply… I hate that I can’t protect her from that.
When she was in my womb, God showed me part of the plan for her life. And I know that, without a shadow of a doubt, this is why God named her Jaci Starr, which means “Beautiful Star”.
Stars shine in the black of night…
My daughter is growing, and therefore our play is different. I can’t swoop her up into my arms anymore, like I used to. Sometimes I see her eyes fill with longing, when she sees me do that with her brother. I’m learning too, right along with her… “We’ll figure it out”, I want to tell her… I don’t know how to say the words, so I just kneel on the floor and squeeze her tight. This growing girl, still with little girl needs…
Tonight while we were reading a story, she said, (blinking back the tears) “Mommy, sometimes it feels like you love Zachary more than me". I know this hasn’t been a normal week with Brent gone. I know all 3 of us have hearts that are a bit more tender than usual. This dear one, whose primary love language is Quality Time… is really missing her daddy… I assured her that in our family, we all love each other the same. I gathered her close, and finished the story.
This week I saw a new tilt and shake to her head when she giggles and is a little embarrassed or unsure about something… I wonder what little things will make her, her. Those little nuances she’s developing as she grows. That certain look, the tilt in her head, her smile…Those things, that if she has a child, I will say to this child, “That looks just like your mommy!”
I hurt her the other day. I knew it immediately, and pulled her close and said I was so sorry. She is an example to me of ready forgiveness. When I see how quickly she forgives, I hear my Father tell me, “Look, that’s how I want you to be”.
Unfortunately, about a half hour later, I hurt my little guy too, and gently asked him for forgiveness. Her quivery voice came from the couch… “Mommy, when you tell us you’re sorry, the kind way you do it, just makes me want to cry”. When she told me that, I was the one blinking back the tears…
A couple weeks ago I told her she had a special song I sang to her when she was a baby. She thought that was so cool and wanted to hear it, so I sang it to her a couple of times.
This week… “Sing my special song to me again, Mom”. I choked back a sob as I sang it to her, wondering if it was the last time. This very special song that I used to sing when I nursed her. Those moments I sat and and time stood still. Raw emotion would flood my heart as I looked at our precious gift. I remember just wanting to absorb every little detail in her face.
But, somehow, I didn’t hold my gaze long enough. I blinked – and now she’s 7.
I cry out, “I don’t know how to take care of this precious gift You gave me. When she was born, I was afraid I would drop her. Now I’m afraid I’ll drop her heart”. And then I hear my Father say, “I don’t want perfection…”
My heart is raw tonight…
I have a pile of used tissues beside me…
and it’s 3:00am.
I know this wasn't written perfectly, but I don't care.
I’m missing my husband… the one who holds my heart. If there is a man in our daughter’s future, my constant prayer is that she is as blessed as I…
and may we always be her soft place to fall…
“Jaci’s Song”
You’re my baby, you’re my little Jaci,
You’re my sweet little girl.
You make me laugh,You make me smile.
I love you, I love you,I love you, child.
You’re my baby, you’re my little Jaci,
You’re my “Beautiful Star”.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
update on Brent
Here's another mass email about Brent's current trip to India...
Last night around 11:00 I got an unexpected phone call that Brent and Richard Shipp were very ill. Throwing up, dry heaves, diarrhea... all the typical signs of food that didn't settle in a stomach very well... =[ This had gone on all night long. That day they were at a home for widows, and they ate there. Richard and Brent ate out of one pot, and Michael ate out of another. They're pretty sure that's why Michael didn't get sick. Because everywhere else, they've been eating the same thing. They said a doctor was going to be coming out.
I immediately called family members that I knew would probably still be up. Dad Y. - just gotta tell you, there are times that being a night owl does come in handy, right? (Sharon & Ruth, your total compassion just did me in... sorry about all that emotion.)
Anyway - I'll back up a bit - all of Sunday afternoon and evening I had been feeling unsettled again. I couldn't stop thinking about Brent and praying for him all day... I was wondering what was going on. As soon as I got this phone call, I realized that's why God was telling me to pray. (India is 9 1/2 hours ahead of us, so while Brent was throwing up at night, it was our afternoon and evening.)
The doctor ended up coming twice, and giving them shots and stuff. I talked to Brent at noon today, for just a couple of minutes. I was able to pray with him. It was so good to hear his voice - he said he was feeling better, but still was weak and had diarrhea. They were going to head to bed. We've been praying that they all got a good night of rest.
Michael spoke at the Pastor's Conference today (Monday) while Brent and Richard rested. In the evening, Richard and Michael went to a well dedication at a village and 70 people gave their lives to Christ! It sounds like Richard was still weak, but he was able to go, so that's a blessing.
There were several things that happened when I got that call. First of all, I was angry at the enemy. I said this was a "no deal"! I remembered how God had come through so mightily for Brent to be able to go, and I knew that there was no way that God's plan was for Brent to lay on a bed the whole time he was there. No Way. The next thing was that I realized I was not fearful! I normally have fearful tendencies, but I had none. I was very, very concerned, of course, but I was not afraid! Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me. The third thing was that God brought to my mind a message I heard recently on II Chronicles 20, about worshipping God in the middle of a battle. So I went to www.pandora.com, chose some worship music and prayed The Word and sang. About an hour later, I felt peace come over me and I went to bed. I slept well. I woke up once at 3:00am, prayed, and went back to sleep. My sister told me today that she woke up too at that exact time. God is so good!
By the way, for those of you who happened to be woke up by God during the middle of the night Sunday night - - that was me! =] I was praying (with no shame) for God to wake up all the people who said they will pray for Brent.
I had an interesting conversation today at work. This guy came in that knows Brent and I. I told him about Brent and asked him to be praying for Brent. You know what he told me? He went on this long spiel about this guy he knows that went on a missions trip and got so sick with a stomach thing and he couldn't get rid of it even after he was home. He was finally so tired of being so sick and so he told God that if this is how he's gonna have to live, just please take him now. He said the guy was dead within 5 minutes.
good. grief.
I'm going - - I just asked you to pray for my husband, and you're telling me about a guy dying??? I was thinking - are you even listening to yourself? I was totally regretting telling him, because I did not need to hear that. So after he left, I did what my mom taught me. I said that I do NOT receive that word of death that was spoken over me!
I'm sure his heart was in the right place.... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt... =]
So, to all of you who have been praying, I say "thank you", and please don't stop!
We are a vital part of this India trip, with our prayers,
Also - keep praying for our kiddos. I told Jaci before she went to school that Brent was sick. In retrospect, I don't think I should've? At lunch I was talking to her about it, after we knew Brent was better. She started blinking back the tears and said, "Mommy, it was so hard to listen to what Mrs. Miller was talking about today. I couldn't get my mind off Daddy". Poor thing - I shouldn't have put that worry on her tiny shoulders... I doesn't feel like a shining mommy moment for me. =[
I just checked the world clock. It's 10:15pm Monday night here, and it's 7:45am, Tuesday where my honey is. I'll get to talk to him in about 14 hours...
love to all,
esther
Last night around 11:00 I got an unexpected phone call that Brent and Richard Shipp were very ill. Throwing up, dry heaves, diarrhea... all the typical signs of food that didn't settle in a stomach very well... =[ This had gone on all night long. That day they were at a home for widows, and they ate there. Richard and Brent ate out of one pot, and Michael ate out of another. They're pretty sure that's why Michael didn't get sick. Because everywhere else, they've been eating the same thing. They said a doctor was going to be coming out.
I immediately called family members that I knew would probably still be up. Dad Y. - just gotta tell you, there are times that being a night owl does come in handy, right? (Sharon & Ruth, your total compassion just did me in... sorry about all that emotion.)
Anyway - I'll back up a bit - all of Sunday afternoon and evening I had been feeling unsettled again. I couldn't stop thinking about Brent and praying for him all day... I was wondering what was going on. As soon as I got this phone call, I realized that's why God was telling me to pray. (India is 9 1/2 hours ahead of us, so while Brent was throwing up at night, it was our afternoon and evening.)
The doctor ended up coming twice, and giving them shots and stuff. I talked to Brent at noon today, for just a couple of minutes. I was able to pray with him. It was so good to hear his voice - he said he was feeling better, but still was weak and had diarrhea. They were going to head to bed. We've been praying that they all got a good night of rest.
Michael spoke at the Pastor's Conference today (Monday) while Brent and Richard rested. In the evening, Richard and Michael went to a well dedication at a village and 70 people gave their lives to Christ! It sounds like Richard was still weak, but he was able to go, so that's a blessing.
There were several things that happened when I got that call. First of all, I was angry at the enemy. I said this was a "no deal"! I remembered how God had come through so mightily for Brent to be able to go, and I knew that there was no way that God's plan was for Brent to lay on a bed the whole time he was there. No Way. The next thing was that I realized I was not fearful! I normally have fearful tendencies, but I had none. I was very, very concerned, of course, but I was not afraid! Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me. The third thing was that God brought to my mind a message I heard recently on II Chronicles 20, about worshipping God in the middle of a battle. So I went to www.pandora.com, chose some worship music and prayed The Word and sang. About an hour later, I felt peace come over me and I went to bed. I slept well. I woke up once at 3:00am, prayed, and went back to sleep. My sister told me today that she woke up too at that exact time. God is so good!
By the way, for those of you who happened to be woke up by God during the middle of the night Sunday night - - that was me! =] I was praying (with no shame) for God to wake up all the people who said they will pray for Brent.
I had an interesting conversation today at work. This guy came in that knows Brent and I. I told him about Brent and asked him to be praying for Brent. You know what he told me? He went on this long spiel about this guy he knows that went on a missions trip and got so sick with a stomach thing and he couldn't get rid of it even after he was home. He was finally so tired of being so sick and so he told God that if this is how he's gonna have to live, just please take him now. He said the guy was dead within 5 minutes.
good. grief.
I'm going - - I just asked you to pray for my husband, and you're telling me about a guy dying??? I was thinking - are you even listening to yourself? I was totally regretting telling him, because I did not need to hear that. So after he left, I did what my mom taught me. I said that I do NOT receive that word of death that was spoken over me!
I'm sure his heart was in the right place.... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt... =]
So, to all of you who have been praying, I say "thank you", and please don't stop!
We are a vital part of this India trip, with our prayers,
Also - keep praying for our kiddos. I told Jaci before she went to school that Brent was sick. In retrospect, I don't think I should've? At lunch I was talking to her about it, after we knew Brent was better. She started blinking back the tears and said, "Mommy, it was so hard to listen to what Mrs. Miller was talking about today. I couldn't get my mind off Daddy". Poor thing - I shouldn't have put that worry on her tiny shoulders... I doesn't feel like a shining mommy moment for me. =[
I just checked the world clock. It's 10:15pm Monday night here, and it's 7:45am, Tuesday where my honey is. I'll get to talk to him in about 14 hours...
love to all,
esther
Friday, March 20, 2009
horse poop
We were just at the library. We were walking toward the door to leave and the kids were walking behind me. I walked past a young Amish man and the smell of horse poop assailed my nostrils.
Just then, I hear my son say, "Eeeeeww! I smell horse poop!"
gasp.
I had a million thoughts scrambling through my brain as to how I should handle this delicate situation. Before I could do anything, he said it again!
Are you wondering what I did?
Absolutely nothing!
Zachary had no clue the smell was coming from this young man. He was just processing a smell that he had never smelled in the library before. =] I had to think of the classic "The Emperor's New Clothes".
I kept on walking, because I saw my escape out the door was only a few feet away by now, and the young man was behind me, so I didn't have to look at him.
I was walking out the doors, with the kids still behind me, and Zachary, as he's walking out, says it again!
blushing.
Just then, I hear my son say, "Eeeeeww! I smell horse poop!"
gasp.
I had a million thoughts scrambling through my brain as to how I should handle this delicate situation. Before I could do anything, he said it again!
Are you wondering what I did?
Absolutely nothing!
Zachary had no clue the smell was coming from this young man. He was just processing a smell that he had never smelled in the library before. =] I had to think of the classic "The Emperor's New Clothes".
I kept on walking, because I saw my escape out the door was only a few feet away by now, and the young man was behind me, so I didn't have to look at him.
I was walking out the doors, with the kids still behind me, and Zachary, as he's walking out, says it again!
blushing.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
India
(I wrote this email last night to our families and friends. I thought I should post it here too.)
Hi! This is kind of a mass email to our family and friends. If you didn't already know, Brent is going to go with Pastor Michael and our overseer, Richard Shipp from England, to India on a missions trip.
We're finishing up Brent's packing. He's done a fantastic job keeping track of everything he needed. They're leaving tomorrow night. (Wednesday) Well, actually, I see it's 1:30am. So - he's leaving tonight! (grinning)
Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. Please continue to do so. I'd like to tell you a couple of things they'll be doing in India, so you know how to pray.
Today Pastor Michael heard from Sudheer, the Indian pastor who began Harvest India. They were ministering in a bad section of town a couple of days ago, and ended up running for their lives. literally. One pastor was killed, and Sudheer and the others were/are (?) holed up in a basement, because the rebels were still looking for them.
.gulp.
I don't believe they have any plans to go back there with Brent and Michael... =]
Enough money has come in through our church and Richard Shipp to put 5 wells in 5 villages! Isn't that exciting? They'll be dedicating all 5 of them. That just blows my mind that one well services an entire village... we have it so good, just turning on the faucet.
They'll be hosting a Pastor's Conference. Which my husband will be speaking at... I'm so proud of him. He's a little nervous about that, but I know that God is going to give him the words to speak. He is so not the man I married - - and I love it!!! =]
I believe they're planning on going to a leper colony, and ministering to them. They've been told to put Vicks under their noses because of the stench... I'm sure that will be an interesting day.
They'll be going to some of the orphanages that Harvest India has. They have 5 of them, I believe. Brent is taking some frisbees, and bought a whole bunch of balloons and several beach balls. I can just see my husband passing out that stuff and playing with the kids. He does that kind of stuff so well.
But the thing I am most excited for Brent to get to be involved in is this: If everything works out right, they will be buying two prostitute's freedom. Isn't that amazing? Their "ransom" is $1000 per woman. So they will literally be paying this to their pimp. This is one of Harvest India's many ministries. Pastor Sudheer's mission takes these women, and teaches them a trade. Pastor Michael said they did this when he was there two years ago, and he said it's just amazing. They have this celebration ceremony, and he said the women just weep... I am so happy that Brent gets to be a part of that. I wish I could be there for that part too....
Tonight, Jaci said, "India is so lucky". When I asked her what she meant by that she said she's glad that they get to feel Daddy's love too. (that made my eyes get a bit watery for some reason) She loves her Daddy. It's fascinating to hear the kiddos process this whole India trip. I showed them on a globe where we live and where he's going, but I don't think they still really grasp it. When Jaci saw it, she was amazed that he's going to be halfway around the world! =]
We feel so much love and support from our church. I was in tears all afternoon yesterday because of the love they have absolutely poured out on us these past couple of weeks. I kept having to go into the back room at work and telling me to get a hold of myself. I guess I should explain myself. We knew right up front that if Brent goes to India, we were going to have to foot the whole cost. We were okay with that, even though I have to admit we were gulping a bit at the cost of it. =] But we sensed very strongly that Brent was supposed to go, so we were just going to let God work out the details. A couple weeks ago, one of the elders announced to the church that Brent is paying his own way, and if anyone wants to help him out, they can do so. (we didn't ask them to do that). The next two weeks, we got about $200. We were so thankful for that, and about couldn't believe it, because a lot of people at our church are not doing well job-wise. Yesterday Michael called Brent and told him that $1000 came in on Sunday earmarked for Brent PLUS enough money earmarked for two wells came in too! This was all in addition to the regular tithe people normally give. Brent called me and I just started crying. We were truly humbled by the outpouring of love. And speechless. How do you even begin to respond to something like that? $1200.00 - to go toward the India trip for Brent. Unbelievable!!!!!! God certainly did exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask or think! Not in our WILDEST dreams did we imagine something like that... wow!
So - please pray for Brent whenever God brings him to your mind. I know that it is totally the right thing for Brent to be doing. I am excited for him and can't wait to hear all about it. We had a visiting pastor this past weekend and he said India is a "hard-core" missions trip.
From what I hear about India, I think that must sums it up pretty well. =]And, if you would be so kind as to keep me and the kiddos in your prayers too? Two weeks is a long time to be without our husband and daddy. I'm sure I will appreciate Brent in a whole new way! =]
Thanks for the love you give to us, we love you too.
Hi! This is kind of a mass email to our family and friends. If you didn't already know, Brent is going to go with Pastor Michael and our overseer, Richard Shipp from England, to India on a missions trip.
We're finishing up Brent's packing. He's done a fantastic job keeping track of everything he needed. They're leaving tomorrow night. (Wednesday) Well, actually, I see it's 1:30am. So - he's leaving tonight! (grinning)
Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. Please continue to do so. I'd like to tell you a couple of things they'll be doing in India, so you know how to pray.
Today Pastor Michael heard from Sudheer, the Indian pastor who began Harvest India. They were ministering in a bad section of town a couple of days ago, and ended up running for their lives. literally. One pastor was killed, and Sudheer and the others were/are (?) holed up in a basement, because the rebels were still looking for them.
.gulp.
I don't believe they have any plans to go back there with Brent and Michael... =]
Enough money has come in through our church and Richard Shipp to put 5 wells in 5 villages! Isn't that exciting? They'll be dedicating all 5 of them. That just blows my mind that one well services an entire village... we have it so good, just turning on the faucet.
They'll be hosting a Pastor's Conference. Which my husband will be speaking at... I'm so proud of him. He's a little nervous about that, but I know that God is going to give him the words to speak. He is so not the man I married - - and I love it!!! =]
I believe they're planning on going to a leper colony, and ministering to them. They've been told to put Vicks under their noses because of the stench... I'm sure that will be an interesting day.
They'll be going to some of the orphanages that Harvest India has. They have 5 of them, I believe. Brent is taking some frisbees, and bought a whole bunch of balloons and several beach balls. I can just see my husband passing out that stuff and playing with the kids. He does that kind of stuff so well.
But the thing I am most excited for Brent to get to be involved in is this: If everything works out right, they will be buying two prostitute's freedom. Isn't that amazing? Their "ransom" is $1000 per woman. So they will literally be paying this to their pimp. This is one of Harvest India's many ministries. Pastor Sudheer's mission takes these women, and teaches them a trade. Pastor Michael said they did this when he was there two years ago, and he said it's just amazing. They have this celebration ceremony, and he said the women just weep... I am so happy that Brent gets to be a part of that. I wish I could be there for that part too....
Tonight, Jaci said, "India is so lucky". When I asked her what she meant by that she said she's glad that they get to feel Daddy's love too. (that made my eyes get a bit watery for some reason) She loves her Daddy. It's fascinating to hear the kiddos process this whole India trip. I showed them on a globe where we live and where he's going, but I don't think they still really grasp it. When Jaci saw it, she was amazed that he's going to be halfway around the world! =]
We feel so much love and support from our church. I was in tears all afternoon yesterday because of the love they have absolutely poured out on us these past couple of weeks. I kept having to go into the back room at work and telling me to get a hold of myself. I guess I should explain myself. We knew right up front that if Brent goes to India, we were going to have to foot the whole cost. We were okay with that, even though I have to admit we were gulping a bit at the cost of it. =] But we sensed very strongly that Brent was supposed to go, so we were just going to let God work out the details. A couple weeks ago, one of the elders announced to the church that Brent is paying his own way, and if anyone wants to help him out, they can do so. (we didn't ask them to do that). The next two weeks, we got about $200. We were so thankful for that, and about couldn't believe it, because a lot of people at our church are not doing well job-wise. Yesterday Michael called Brent and told him that $1000 came in on Sunday earmarked for Brent PLUS enough money earmarked for two wells came in too! This was all in addition to the regular tithe people normally give. Brent called me and I just started crying. We were truly humbled by the outpouring of love. And speechless. How do you even begin to respond to something like that? $1200.00 - to go toward the India trip for Brent. Unbelievable!!!!!! God certainly did exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask or think! Not in our WILDEST dreams did we imagine something like that... wow!
So - please pray for Brent whenever God brings him to your mind. I know that it is totally the right thing for Brent to be doing. I am excited for him and can't wait to hear all about it. We had a visiting pastor this past weekend and he said India is a "hard-core" missions trip.
From what I hear about India, I think that must sums it up pretty well. =]And, if you would be so kind as to keep me and the kiddos in your prayers too? Two weeks is a long time to be without our husband and daddy. I'm sure I will appreciate Brent in a whole new way! =]
Thanks for the love you give to us, we love you too.
Friday, March 13, 2009
time travel
Recently I was shopping in one of the discount grocery stores in the area. I was browsing along the aisles, when my eyes lit upon a little, brown bag that instantly made me travel back in time.
It took me to my sweet grandma’s apartment. Sitting at her little table. Me, my mom, and my grandma. Warming our hands around our cups of hot mint tea, and sometimes it was just plain ‘ole hot water. Then we reached into the brown bag that held rock-hard gingersnaps.
We’d select our cookie, dip it in the steaming liquid for about 3 seconds and eat the now softened cookie. Mmmmmm….
In the last years of my Grandma’s life, she lived with my parents. So I have gingersnap memories from home too.
I grabbed that brown bag off the shelf, which cost me 55 cents and put it in the cart. I came home, fixed a cup of mint tea and promptly ate half the bag of gingersnaps in one sitting. And remembered my sweet, godly grandma…
So, yummy. The memories were as delicious as the gingersnaps!
It took me to my sweet grandma’s apartment. Sitting at her little table. Me, my mom, and my grandma. Warming our hands around our cups of hot mint tea, and sometimes it was just plain ‘ole hot water. Then we reached into the brown bag that held rock-hard gingersnaps.
We’d select our cookie, dip it in the steaming liquid for about 3 seconds and eat the now softened cookie. Mmmmmm….
In the last years of my Grandma’s life, she lived with my parents. So I have gingersnap memories from home too.
I grabbed that brown bag off the shelf, which cost me 55 cents and put it in the cart. I came home, fixed a cup of mint tea and promptly ate half the bag of gingersnaps in one sitting. And remembered my sweet, godly grandma…
So, yummy. The memories were as delicious as the gingersnaps!
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